In a world where hustle culture prevails and perfectionism is often glorified, the topic of mental health remains more relevant than ever. Despite the progress in destigmatising mental illness, including obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD), many still find it challenging to discuss their struggles openly.
Living with OCD goes beyond the stereotypical images of constant hand-washing or checking locks repeatedly. It is a complex condition that impacts every aspect of daily life, from relationships to work to self-image. In this blog post, I will delve into the realities of co-living with OCD, exploring the challenges, triumphs, and strategies for navigating life with this often misunderstood disorder. Welcome to a journey beyond obsessions and compulsions, where resilience, courage, and hope shine through the shadows of OCD.
My own mental health journey began in November 2017. Although that marks the date when everything fell apart, I had likely been grappling with mental health challenges for much of my life. I had previously convinced myself that I was fine, attributing occasional low moods to normal fluctuations. Seeking help felt like admitting weakness and exposing vulnerability.
What is OCD?
Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition characterised by two main components: obsessions and compulsions. It is a chronic condition that can significantly impact an individual’s daily functioning, relationships, and overall quality of life. It often begins in adolescence or early adulthood, although it can develop at any age. While the exact cause of OCD is not fully understood, research suggests that a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors may contribute to its onset and development.
What are Obsessions and Compulsions?
Obsessions are intrusive, unwanted, and distressing thoughts, images, or urges that repeatedly occur in a person’s mind, causing significant anxiety or discomfort. These obsessions are often irrational and uncontrollable, leading individuals to feel compelled to engage in repetitive behaviours or mental acts known as compulsions.
Compulsions are repetitive behaviours or mental rituals that individuals feel driven to perform in response to their obsessions, with the aim of reducing anxiety or preventing perceived harm. However, these compulsions are often excessive, time-consuming, and disruptive to daily life, leading to further distress and impairment.
OCD can manifest in a wide range of obsessions and compulsions, which can vary greatly from one person to another. Common obsessions may include fears of contamination, doubts about safety, concerns about orderliness or symmetry, and intrusive thoughts of harming oneself or others. Compulsions often involve behaviours such as excessive cleaning or hand-washing, checking and rechecking, counting, arranging items in a specific order, or seeking reassurance from others.
Treatment Options
Treatment for OCD typically involves a combination of psychotherapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), and medication, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). These interventions aim to help individuals better manage their symptoms, reduce anxiety, and improve their overall functioning and wellbeing. With appropriate treatment and support, many individuals with OCD can learn to effectively manage their symptoms and lead fulfilling lives.
The Early Steps in Mental Health
I was diagnosed with atopic eczema when I was 5 years old. According to my dermatologist, the onset of my condition coincided with the arrival of my younger sister. It worsened as I grew up, largely fuelled by persistent anxiety, leading me to rely on cortisone for symptom relief. Although it remained uncomfortable, I eventually got used to it. Over time, the symptoms diminished, leaving only faint traces in the crooks of my arms. However, during periods of heightened anxiety, it can resurface. I continue to use cortisone when necessary.
Throughout my life, I have consistently experienced high levels of anxiety. As an introverted individual who faced bullying in school, standing in front of a class to deliver presentations seemed dauntingly impossible. Yet, here I am today, a teacher — proof that overcoming challenges is indeed possible! However, there are occasions when I still experience panic before stepping into the classroom to teach. Thus, it remains an ongoing aspect of my life that requires continuous effort and attention. Recovery can be a long journey!
Transitioning from Burnout to the Acknowledgment of OCD
The Day My Brain Broke
Upon completing secondary school, I embarked on medical studies at university. In France, the initial year, formerly known as ’PACES’ (Première Année Commune aux Études de Santé), is highly selective. With approximately 1,400 students vying for only 230 places in Medicine, 30 in Odontology, 80 in Physiotherapy, 27 in Midwifery, and 82 in Pharmacy, competition is fierce. This system, referred to as the ’Numerus Clausus’, was phased out following the 2021 reform.
If unsuccessful in the first year (e.g., you are too far away in the final ranking of the exam to get a place for Medicine/Odontology/Physiotherapy/Midwifery/Pharmacy), students have the option to repeat it; however, this opportunity is limited to one additional attempt, with the possibility of a third attempt reserved for extenuating circumstances. I had the ’chance’ to repeat the PACES year, but when November 2017 came around, my nightmare started.
One day, I woke up with the sensation that my mind had shattered into a million pieces. It is hard to articulate, but it felt like a literal breakdown. I lost all motivation, the will to live, everything. One day, during a visit to the doctor’s office, I casually mentioned how I had been feeling. It was then that she informed me that I was experiencing an overload burnout.
Studying became increasingly challenging. Because it was my final opportunity to pursue medical studies and fulfil my dream career, I knew I needed to revise diligently. But the task seemed insurmountable. But I kept working hard. Obviously, doing so did not help. Instead, my condition deteriorated, I was inundated with avalanches of intrusive thoughts about subtle details, I spent entire days ruminating, I was anxious, worrying non-stop, I wanted to end my life. All of this ultimately led to my failure to pass my exams. Consequently, I had to switch to a different field of study. I then started studying English the following September.
It took me a long time to seek help. I was not recovering very well, so I decided to schedule an appointment with a psychologist for talk therapy. Unfortunately, it did not yield significant long-term results. What helped me the most to recover from burnout was maintaining close contact with the friends I made during my English studies. One of them became my best friend!
Even during that period, anxiety remained a significant challenge for me. Despite my best efforts to overcome and cope with it, I persevered as much as possible. Ultimately, I achieved considerable success in my English degree and proudly graduated!
Subsequently, I pursued a master’s degree in Teaching French as a Foreign Language in Lille, in the North of France. Despite finding the program much easier and interesting than my bachelor’s degree, anxiety still hit me hard from time to time. One day, I visited my then-GP and discussed my mental state and everything that felt amiss. It was during this consultation that I received a diagnosis of obsessive–compulsive disorder. Afterward, I was prescribed antidepressants (an SNRI) and referred to a psychiatrist for regular check ups and therapy.
The dosage of the medication proved to be insufficient, prompting my GP to increase it. This dosage has remained unchanged ever since.
Upon the conclusion of my first year of master’s, I returned to live with my parents. I continued therapy by attending sessions at the local medico-psychological centre. I had a consultation with a psychiatrist at the centre, during which I provided the comprehensive summary of my condition written by my psychiatrist in Lille. As a matter of fact, I could have had more appointments with her, but as you know, it can take weeks to get an appointment with a specialist! Instead, I opted for weekly sessions with a nurse — Oriane, I owe you! She was genuinely lovely and understanding, and gave me advice on how to manage OCD. Regrettably, I didn’t have the opportunity to begin Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as I had to relocate to London in August 2022, to start my PGCE.
From Chaos to Clarity: Finding Balance with OCD
When starting my PGCE at Roehampton University, I immediately registered with the Student Wellbeing Centre. From then, I had regular 1-hour sessions with a Mental Health Adviser who helped me manage OCD. Well, this is when I started therapy step by step. And that helped! The PGCE is a draining course so it was essential for me to receive professional support.
Living with OCD can often feel like navigating through a storm of intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. From the outside, it may seem like chaos reigns supreme, but within this turmoil lies the potential for clarity and balance.
My journey with OCD has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows, filled with moments of frustration, fear, and uncertainty. There were times when it felt like I was drowning in a sea of obsessive thoughts, unable to find solid ground. Each day brought new challenges, new triggers, and new battles to fight. But amidst the chaos, I discovered that finding balance with OCD is not about eradicating the disorder altogether. It is about learning to coexist with it, to understand its rhythms and patterns, and to develop coping strategies that allow me to live a fulfilling life despite its presence.
One of the most powerful tools in my arsenal has been mindfulness. This is what my Mental Health Adviser advised me to do (among other things). By practicing mindfulness techniques, I have learned to observe my thoughts and feelings without judgment, allowing them to come and go like clouds passing in the sky. This simple act of awareness has given me the clarity to see that I am not defined by my OCD, that I am more than the sum of my intrusive thoughts.
In addition to mindfulness, joining support groups (notably the NOCD community forum) have provided me with the tools and resources I need to manage my symptoms and maintain my mental health (as much as possible… lol).
But perhaps the most important lesson I have learned is the importance of self-compassion. Living with OCD can be exhausting and overwhelming, and it sounds easy to be hard on myself when things don’t go as planned… But by treating myself with kindness and understanding, I have discovered that I am capable of weathering even the stormiest of days. I am trying my best to continue!
As I continue on my journey from chaos to clarity, I remind myself that balance is not a destination, but a journey. It is about finding peace amidst the turmoil, and learning to dance in the rain. And with each step I take, I move closer to finding that elusive balance and living a life filled with clarity, purpose, and joy.
The Daily Grind of Coping with OCD
(Co)Living with OCD: What does it look like?
Whether I want it or not, life with OCD entails confronting a series of daily struggles, each one a unique challenge to overcome. From the moment I wake up to the moment I lay my head down at night, OCD casts its shadow over every aspect of my life.
Mornings often begin with a barrage of intrusive thoughts, each one more persistent and distressing than the last. Those thoughts can range from fears of harming others to doubts about my actions, leaving me feeling paralysed and overwhelmed before the day has even begun.
Simple tasks that others take for granted become monumental obstacles in the face of OCD. Getting dressed, taking a shower, or leaving the house require meticulous rituals and compulsions, each one carefully performed to stave off the anxiety that threatens to consume me.
Throughout the day, OCD whispers its incessant demands in my ear, urging me to check, double-check, and triple-check everything I do. I don’t trust my own eyes. I was often late to university because of this. It is a constant battle to resist these urges, to push back against the fear and uncertainty that OCD thrives on.
But amidst the chaos of my daily struggles, there are moments of clarity and triumph. Each time I resist a compulsion, confront a fear, or challenge a distorted thought, I reclaim a little piece of myself from the grip of OCD. Each small victory matters!
OCD & Work
And though the battles may be relentless, I refuse to let OCD define me. I am more than my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. My close colleagues at work are aware of my OCD (I sent a group email during OCD Awareness Week in October). I am resilient, courageous, and determined to live a life filled with purpose and meaning, despite the challenges that OCD presents.
So, as I face another day in the trenches of OCD, I hold onto hope and remind myself that I am not alone in this fight. With daily small victories, I move one step closer to reclaiming control of my life and finding peace amidst the chaos of my daily battles with OCD.
At work, one of the biggest challenges for me is the pressure to perform. Whether it is meeting deadlines, teaching lessons to bunches of children (who often even don’t care), or collaborating with colleagues, the demands of the job can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. It is a constant battle to stay focused and productive.
Coping with OCD when you are a teacher presents unique challenges. From planning lessons to managing behaviour in the classroom, OCD can intensify the pressures of an already demanding profession. The challenges of the classroom can be extremely daunting. From managing intrusive thoughts to navigating compulsive behaviours, OCD can cast a shadow over every aspect of our teaching practice. However, with the right strategies and support systems in place, it is possible to excel in the classroom while effectively managing OCD. One of my strategies for dealing with OCD as a teacher is self-awareness. Recognising the triggers and understanding how OCD manifests in my professional life helps me develop coping mechanisms to effectively manage symptoms without being too obvious to others. Whether it is setting aside time for mindfulness exercises before class or establishing clear boundaries to reduce workload, self-awareness lays the foundation for success in the classroom.
Another strategy for me is communication. By being open and honest with my supervisors and colleagues about my OCD, we can create a supportive environment where our needs are understood and accommodated. I am lucky to say that my coworkers are very supportive and understanding.
Setting boundaries is also crucial. Learning to say no when feeling overwhelmed, taking breaks when needed, and prioritising self-care are all essential for maintaining my mental health. It took me a very long time to acknowledge that it is crucial to remember that wellbeing always comes first, and that it is okay to ask for help when needed. I keep practicing mindfulness techniques as my Mental Health Adviser in university recommended. It is helpful in managing OCD symptoms at work.
Ultimately, dealing with OCD in the workplace is a journey, and I know that there are and will still be good days and bad days. But by being proactive, setting boundaries, and prioritising self-care, I face the challenges of the workplace with courage and resilience as much as I can. After delivering a successful lesson, I take pride in my accomplishment and offer myself congratulations. Gradually, I inch closer towards achieving peace and balance in my professional life.
Final Thoughts
To conclude this post – I have never considered viewing my OCD as distinct from myself. Whether discussing it in person or writing about it (mainly through poems — I love writing!), I have always referred to it as ’I’, ’me’, ’my’. It has been ingrained in my mind as a part of me, something that has developed through my own experiences. Getting used to regarding my OCD as a distinct entity will certainly require time but, I see this as another encouraging milestone in my path to recovery.
